Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Innocence. Is it Actually Possible?

Dear God, I changed my mind. Thanks anyways though. Amen
 So the other day, I was feeling up for a bit of purity, so I decided to put pencil to paper (which is extremely unusual nowadays, I mean, who writes anymore?) and penned a letter to a particular higher-up. My writing went something like this:
Dear Heavenly Father, or GOD, or Allah, or whatever you're going by nowadays...
Oh dear...well, this isn't going too well.
Let's try again:
To Whom it May Concern.

Dear Mr Whom,
I have a confession to make. I hope you will listen to this and clean out my conscience for me, since a normal, soapy bath didn't seem to work.
You see, starting last week, I went on a serial-killing spree. I would wake up and think only about killing. I couldn't get the evil thought out of my mind. When I was brushing my teeth, I killed. As I was eating breakfast (milk and cookies, the dunking kept causing the cookie to break, so I ended up with cookie porridge in milk - oh, don't laugh, I'm sure you've done it too), I killed. When I was in the loo, I killed (sorry, was that too much information?). The thing was, I couldn't stop, and I realized I enjoyed killing.
So now, about a hundred dozen later, I decided to turn to you for help.
Dearest Mr. Whom. What should I do?
Signed: I Can't stop Killing.
Life Complications ~ Part 23

Now now, before you go off and call the police on me, hear me out.

You see, just earlier this year, we were taught about what made up a "living creature". The scientific aspects of living things were drilled into our heads, the essence of which was: "all cells make up living things".
Simply speaking, if it's made of cells, it's a living thing. Or, as Frankenstein (the scientist, not the resultant monster) so aptly said: It's ALIVE!

Yes, that's right.
According to science (or the version of it that exists in our rather outdated textbooks), anything that is made up of any number of cells and can reproduce will be considered to be a living thing.

How does this explain my murderous intent and activity for the last few days?

Professional reenactment - via used tissue plushies
NOTE: No tissues were harmed in the staging of this photo
You see, I had the great luck to get sick on a sunny week. Apart from a brain-splitting headache and a sore throat, I also had what's commonly referred to as "the stuffy nose". In other words, I had a backlog of mucus camping out somewhere in my respiratory system, drinking and partying all night long. Now, generally speaking, I consider my respiratory system as an area where no loitering is allowed. You get in, do what needs doing, and you get out, yes sirree, all within 30 minutes, if possible. I would put up No Loitering signs along my windpipe, but I'm still not sure what language these buggers can read, so I haven't done that yet.

Now, if you've ever gotten the stuffy nose, you probably know what I'm talking about. There's this underlying psychological need to clear the runway for the sole purpose of inhaling, so you can probably imagine the tissues I've nosed my way through and the trumpeting noise the house has been putting up with for the last while. But no matter how many boxes of tissues I go through, I can't seem to get these offending buggers out of my system. It's a battle, with no end in sight.

Now, if you were to think about it (although I can understand why you probably won't want to, since it's sticky and icky and generally not pleasant), mucus is made out of cells. Horrible cells, but still cells nonetheless. The fact that I seem to have blown out more mucus than my lungs can house probably means that these guys had a little too much to drink and have been sleeping around. They reproduce faster than the time it takes for me to pull out another tissue from the box. So are they alive? Dr. Frankenstein would agree.

Yes, I've been killing mucus for the last week. My weapon was 3 tissue boxes, used simultaneously. Guilty as charged. Although, since I've pleaded guilty (and even went to confession!), I should be able to secure a second-degree murder sentence, so don't worry guys, I'll still be back to blog when I'm done my 100 years in jail.

All together now! Ready, set, DAWWWWWWW
Used tissue plushie = cuter than the real thing
While I sit on my cell bed and munch jail food (which I've heard is actually pretty gourmet. I just hope they'll let me eat with chopsticks), allow me to leave y'all something to think about:
Is it actually possible to be innocent?

If all children are born innocent, then they probably lose that innocence the first time they begin a killing spree on Earth: when your newborn first contract a cold and sneeze.

It's confession time!
What are you guilty of?

Today's Surroundings: Crumple Tissue Mountains
Today's Object: Empty Tissue Boxes
Today's Color: Mucus-Green

Now I just gotta figure out where to send this letter to. Maybe I should have emailed him after all.

PS: You asked for pictures, so I'm here to give you pictures! :) Thanks for taking part in the feedback poll!